Self Esteem

(warning this post is kinda a downer)...SORRY!  This is pretty much why I've been absent this weekend: Esteem.  What happens, I ask you...when you try to buy new clothes.  You could be one of many different types of people:  

(a) you are a thin, fit person and you know exactly what size to get...pick it up, try it on and it fits.  then you just need to decided if you really want to add this item to your wardrobe. (sizes:2-4)

(b) you are an average size person with a unique body shape. You may have some troubles finding clothes that fit you due to a large chest or a large booty but all in all, you can find clothes that fit and look good easily. (sizes:6-8)

(c) you are a larger person who has a standard body shape.  You don't have alot of trouble finding clothes and they look really nice in the dressing room.  (note: this is where I want to be) (sizes: 10-12)

(d) you are a larger person with a bizarre body shape (enormous apple bottom) and NOTHING fits you right.  You beat your head against the wall trying to find SOMETHING ANYTHING that would fit.  Whether you actually like it or not. (note: this is where I am right now) (sizes: 14-16)

(e) you are obese and you literally have a few styles to choose from, you're lucky if they fit you at all.  Clothing manufacturers (outside of Lane Bryant) have no idea how to fit larger women.  It is HORRIBLE and you end up spending a ton of money for clothes you really don't want to wear but they cover you or in yoga pants and tshirts b/c that is what you feel comfortable wearing.  (note: this is where I was February, 2011).  (sizes 18+)

I am currently at D and I really want to be a C...it was HORRIBLY difficult to find clothes this weekend.  I must have tried on 40 pairs of jeans over 3 days and I found myself in the dressing room crying on more than one occasion.  I haven't shopped for clothes since this whole thing started (outside of a few shirts and sweaters and running pants).  I have just pulled some clothes out of storage from my plethora of sizes and made do:)  I have been happy with the sizes I've been wearing from my stash but was in for a harsh reality when I tried to pick up those sizes at the stores and ended up with a sinking feeling that put me in a funk :(  Those sizes weren't working out and I just wanted to crawl into a hole and stay there...UGG!!!  

I have worked SO SO SO HARD to keep this from happening.  I have done an amazing job this year of remaining positive with myself.  I have decided to just plug away but what do you do when 60lbs feels like a drop in the bucket of where you want to be?!??!  OK maybe that is a little dramatic??  I only have about 15lbs till I'll notice a big difference in terms of my clothes and 35 that I desperately want to lose total (that will get me down to 160 - YEAR END GOAL). 

What is next?!?!  I have allowed myself to sulk until NOW!  as of right now that is over!  I will just keep truckin :)  I will run each day, I will focus on my food and making green choices, I will revisit vegetarian foods as much as possible, I WILL REMAIN POSITIVE!  I will NOT shop for clothes for awhile longer...

OK...enough pity party for April...now onto my AMAZING FUN WEEKEND *outside of my funk and grumpy mood* ...BTW: I'm PMSing and I know this has alot to do with my current mood :) 

I:  Went for drinks and fun with both La and my Sis, I had basketball and fun with fam, I got to run/walk with everyone multiple times because the weather was GORGEOUS!  Sixty degrees on Saturday :)

Friday night I made pizza and salads.  HOLY SALADS!!!  HUGE RIGHT?!?!  mine was on the right :)

 This was my pizza roll with lots of veggies in the middle :)

 Oh and a bite of chocolate brownie with some ice cream (stolen from the boys)

 What does a girl buy when she can't find pants that fit?  SHOES!!!  (heels)

 (boots)

 (flats)  YAY!!!

Saturday after Basketball we took the kids for pizza :)  Livie was reaching to get me (LOVE this picture)

 Look at Pebbles

 My handsome big boy

 My handsome little boy

Saturday night was sister drinks!  I LOVE spending time with this girl...we try to do sister drinks every month or two, just us at Outback for Martinis.  YAY!

 We got Salads and...

 drinks!  This was round 2, we forgot to get pictures of our tinis.  This is some mixed drink for Meg and a margarita for me :)

Note: i took lots of other pictures but they aren't uploading...I'll try to update if I get them working.  Mostly it was food and clothes stuff...

My food in general was pretty good this weekend and I did exercise every day.  I did a full mile this morning (Sunday) and walked another.  I'll walk 2 more with the ladies tonight and I'll update on the rest of today later tonight :)

SEE?!?!  How great was this weekend?!  I'm on it...time to make poitive changes and keep on Truckin :)

Stay tuned for a more positive post tonight.

TTFN